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Joke of the day!!
Chad Johnson
867 Posts
May 7, 2011 - 12:53 pm


It took me 30 seconds. I am none of those professions. I'm a system administrator.

I did not use Google, I did use a calculator.

Jim Hillier
2700 Posts
May 7, 2011 - 5:59 pm

Oooo goodie, maths. I love maths!!

No sure how long it took, I forgot to time...but it wasn't very long. [spoiler:2t0d8vt8]truth is I don't really wish to boast[/spoiler:2t0d8vt8]

[spoiler:2t0d8vt8]1806 x 1806 + 1806 = 3263442[/spoiler:2t0d8vt8]

I have a degree in Accountancy and another in Commercial Law (although not practicing now of course) so those times are waaaay off....LOL

Good one FD!!


Three accountants applied for the same job. Each met with their prospective boss and went through the interview process. They were each asked one identical question......"What is the sum of $100.00 plus $100.00?"

The first two accountants were bemused but, in the end, gave the logical answer...$200.00.

The third accountant slid forward in his chair and whispered..."What would you like it to be?"

Guess which one got the job!!

David Hartsock
1117 Posts
May 7, 2011 - 9:01 pm

My answer is...

It took me 4 seconds (I had to open a new tab in firefox and copy/paste into Google).
I'm a computer geek.

I'll even show my work!
1(2) = 2,
2(3) = 6,
6(7) = 42,
42(43) = 1806,
1806(1807) = 3263442,
3263442(3263443) = 106500569508[/spoiler:3nt2sfq3]

Flying Dutchman
278 Posts
May 7, 2011 - 9:09 pm

[spoiler:3iglzx78]Is this seriously your answer?[/spoiler:3iglzx78]
[spoiler:3iglzx78]If the answer is yes, see what happens if you rely too much on Google?[/spoiler:3iglzx78]

I am human

David Hartsock
1117 Posts
May 7, 2011 - 9:22 pm

At this moment I would like to retract my previous answer and use this one...

Showing my work, of course!

Total time: 12 seconds (including my original 4 seconds)!

Jim Hillier
2700 Posts
May 8, 2011 - 8:21 am

OK, OK, my conscience has finally got the better of me. All that I wrote in my original post was total bull****, I actually copied Ziggie's answer. <hangs head in shame>

In reality, my own calculations took 3 hours and 47 minutes. I used both a calculator and Google but they were not much help. I even asked my wife for assistance as she just happened to be passing by, but she barely broke stride to give me one of those looks that can kill a man at 10 paces and then continued walking briskly out of the room. So, ultimately I was forced to phone a friend. Unfortunately, my one and only friend in the world just happens to be a Jewish-redneck-blond lady of Irish extraction . Absolutely no offense intended, but she is only just slightly less useless than I am.

Anyway, between us, we somehow finally managed to come up with an answer. I have absolutely no idea how we got there nor how accurate it might be, here it is:
[spoiler:315kqfow]$168.72 each[/spoiler:315kqfow]

I don't work at all, all I do is sit at home and bludge off the government and my four children. So, I have no idea which occupational category might fit....perhaps 'Professional Bludger' would be closest?

Apologies to all, please don't berate me nor poke fun at me just because your mathematical abilities are way beyond my own. I am good at some things, we are just struggling to discover exactly what they might be.

Dancing? - No, that ain't it!
Makeup? - NO, that's definitely not it!!
Partying? - Hmm, maybe. Does that count?

Oh well!!

Jim Hillier
2700 Posts
May 9, 2011 - 8:32 pm

What is the speed of dark??


A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

That night, the wife tosses and turns in bed, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she finally goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk after a night out with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him too.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates....he is very confused.

Then, as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, then looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but whatever is was.... we took out FIRST and SECOND place!!

Montreal, Canada
666 Posts
May 15, 2011 - 10:00 am

Next time you visit your favourite watering hole, ask the Bartender for a Bin Laden. If he/she looks puzzled or ask you what, or after a few seconds, ask again for a Bin Laden. Tell him/her, you know, two shots and a splash of water. If this doesn't get you one on the house, your delivery line needs serious work, Mindblower!

"For the needy, not the greedy"

Flying Dutchman
278 Posts
May 15, 2011 - 11:27 am

A man was driving home when suddenly something smashes against his windshield. Worried, he stops, gets off and walks around the car, only to see a young sparrow lying on the road.

I am human

92 Posts
June 11, 2011 - 9:03 am

Bob and Cliff, two elderly wood carving friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bob didn't show up. Cliff didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bob hadn't shown up for a week or so, Cliff really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
cliff didn't know where Bob lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Cliff figured he had seen the last of Bob, but one day, Cliff approached the park and there sat Bob!
Cliff was very happy to see him and said, 'For crying out loud Bob, where have you been?'

Bob replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Cliff. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bob said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Cliff, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Jim Hillier
2700 Posts
June 15, 2011 - 7:14 am

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I couldn't help myself and had to have sex with her right there and then".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied "They're not too thrilled about it in Walmart either!!"

Flying Dutchman
278 Posts
June 15, 2011 - 5:32 pm

Nice ones!!

Nineteen year old daughter confesses to her father that she

I am human

Jim Hillier
2700 Posts
June 21, 2011 - 6:52 am

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Pub and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Flying Dutchman
278 Posts
June 21, 2011 - 9:01 am

What a great analogy, Jim!
[quote:13db3lzr]Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly [b:13db3lzr]Beta[/b:13db3lzr].[/quote:13db3lzr]
The beta part is just genious!

Dear Tech Support,
After reading your instructions, it's now obvious that I downgraded.
What's worse, all these restrictions were not clearly stated in the TOS and EULA.

Signed, Desperate

What about the other senario (Girlfriend --> Wife)?

I am human

Jim Hillier
2700 Posts
June 21, 2011 - 9:20 am

Hey FD - I don't think I really want to go there mate!! That's very dangerous territory.

The main difference between men and women (apart from the obvious that is ):

*When a man gets married----> he doesn't expect the woman to change and is upset when she does.

*When a woman gets married----> she[i:1588wqk8] does[/i:1588wqk8] expect the man to change and is upset when he doesn't!!

That's life!! LOL

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