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Joke of the day!!
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Chad Johnson
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March 24, 2011 - 9:59 am
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When in doubt - she is always right.

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible. With fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"

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Jim Hillier
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March 25, 2011 - 10:34 pm
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The early bird may get the worm.... but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!!

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Rindacella - A Fractured Fairy Tale:

Once a time upon, there was a gritty pearl named Rindacella who lived with her three sugly blisters and her wicked mepstother.


One dine fay a pransome hince came calling with a sars glipper in hand. He declared to all and one, "Whomever can wear this sars glipper is the one I shall mappily harry!"

The three sugly blisters rushed forward egged on by the wicked mepstother. The first sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it fidn't dit. The second sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it still fidn't dit. The third sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it fidn't dit her either....all their feet were boo tig.

Then the pransome hince noticed Rindacella covering in the horner. Hey says, "Come forth gritty pearl and try on the sars glipper".

And Rindacella did come forth and lo, the sars glipper fid dit!!


So the pransome hince and Rindacella were indeed mappily harried and Rindacella was ho sappy.

The storal of this mory is; noodness goes!!

The end.

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Chad Johnson
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March 26, 2011 - 1:01 am
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The early bird may get the worm.... but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rindacella - A Fractured Fairy Tale:

Once a time upon, there was a gritty pearl named Rindacella who lived with her three sugly blisters and her wicked stepmother.


One dine fay a pransome hince came calling with a sars glipper in hand. He declared to all and one, "Whomever can wear this sars glipper is the one I shall mappily harry!"

The three sugly blisters rushed forward egged on by the wicked mepstother. The first sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it fidn't dit. The second sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it still fidn't dit. The third sugly blister tried the sars glipper but it fidn't dit her either....all their feet were boo tig.

Then the pransome hince noticed Rindacella covering in the horner. Hey says, "Come forth gritty pearl and try on the sars glipper".

Rindacella did come forth and lo, the sars glipper fid dit!!


So the pransome hince and Rindacella were indeed mappily harried and Rindacella was ho sappy.

The storal of this mory is; noodness goes!!

The end.[/quote:139dedxy]

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Jim Hillier
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March 28, 2011 - 4:01 am
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A tight dress is like a barbed wire fence.....it protects the premises without restricting the view!

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So, the wife had left the house to go shopping and I was getting ready to leave. I was just about to turn the radio off when I heard a traffic update - "URGENT, Please avoid the main motorway at all costs, somebody is driving down the wrong way and creating havoc."

Knowing that was roughly where my wife would be, I quickly phoned to warn her.


Me: "Hey love, get off the motorway, there is some lunatic driving down the wrong way!"

Wife: "ONE!!........there are hundreds of them!!"

<sigh>

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Jim Hillier
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March 28, 2011 - 8:31 pm
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and two blondes all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said......."Is this some kind of a joke?"

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A lovely old couple have been married 50 years, and for their anniversary they go out for a nice dinner. During the dinner the man asks the woman

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Jim Hillier
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March 29, 2011 - 9:43 pm
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Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.......Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex!!

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. Every time he got nervous he took a drink. After about 10 minutes he was talking up a storm.

Upon returning to his office after mass, there was no sign of the Monsignor but he found the following note on the door:

"Well done, that seemed to cure the nerves BUT I would make the following observations:
1. Sip the Vodka, do not gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not generally refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. It is best not to refer to the Holy Trinity as Daddio, Laddio and Spooky
8. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, you should not say he was stoned off his ass.
9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
10. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!"


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Chad Johnson
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March 30, 2011 - 8:55 am
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.


"Whew," says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."


Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,

"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"


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Jim Hillier
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March 31, 2011 - 9:34 pm
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly..... [i:epw1uqk9]and[/i:epw1uqk9] for the same reason.

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked,


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Jim Hillier
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April 1, 2011 - 9:47 pm
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 2 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself......they've lost the plot!!

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My wife came up to me the other day and asked if she could have a new dress.

So I said, "What's wrong with the last one I bought you?"


She said, "Well nothing, it's just that every time I go out to do some shopping.........people keep throwing confetti at me!!"

Boom Boom !!

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Jim Hillier
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April 3, 2011 - 4:36 pm
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Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up!!

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WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!


WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.


WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: (under his breath) Oops!!

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Jim Hillier
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April 5, 2011 - 2:55 am
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An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she shed all her clothes, rolled the dice and with a broad Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!......I WON, I WON!"


She hugged each of the dealers, scooped up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -


Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men....[i:misrg97k]are [/i:misrg97k]men.

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Jim Hillier
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April 6, 2011 - 3:33 am
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My lovely wife rang me the other day and said there was something wrong with the car.

So naturally I asked her what the problem was.

She said, "It won't go". So I asked her if the radio or the blinkers were working.

She said, "No, nothing is working".


So I said, "Well, in that case, it probably means the battery is flat".

She said, "What shape should it be?"

<sigh>

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Jim Hillier
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April 7, 2011 - 7:43 pm
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and spoke to the old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed toward the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On [i:9cehnxmp][b:9cehnxmp]any[/b:9cehnxmp][/i:9cehnxmp] land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear... do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by a huge charging bull...

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher finally put down his tools, strolled to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...

"[size=130:9cehnxmp]The badge, show him the BADGE... ! ![/size:9cehnxmp]"


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Jim Hillier
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April 8, 2011 - 6:27 pm
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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Larry, with a worried look on his little face, looked up at his Dad and said..... "Dad, I think the Foxtel guy might want to buy Mom ....."

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It seems some musical hits from the 60's are being revised to accommodate the aging baby boomers. Some proposed revamped titles include:


Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker.

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores - Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom.


Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Lesley Gore - It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To.

<Gotta love the 60's music!!!!>

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Jim Hillier
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April 11, 2011 - 7:00 am
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George is a legend in his local village. It doesn't matter where he goes fishing or who with, he always catches more fish than anyone else.

One day George and his best mate Bill are sitting in the pub having a quiet ale or two when Bill says to George, "George, how is it you always catch more fish than anyone else, how do you do it?"

George looks across and his mate and says, "Well Bill, it's quite simple really. When I wake up in the morning I look across at the wife and if she is lying on her left side I always fish out of the left side of the boat, if she is lying on her right side I always fish out of the right side of the boat."

Bill nods and then after a few moments he says, "So what do you do if she is lying on her back?"


George winks at his mate and says, "I don't go fishing!!"

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