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Joke of the day!!
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Flying Dutchman
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August 7, 2011 - 9:55 pm
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GEEK HUMOR

The company secretary was having some problems with Windows XP, and she IM

I am human

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Jim Hillier
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August 8, 2011 - 10:42 pm
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Many years ago, when I was still gainfully employed, we had an junior office worker who was, dare I say, none too swift.

One day she was typing away when she turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use paper from the photocopier", the secretary told her.

With that, the junior took her last remaining blank sheet of A4, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies!!!

<They still walk among us>

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Jim Hillier
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August 8, 2011 - 11:05 pm
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These are absolutely true, I witnessed both firsthand:

I spent many years as CEO of a large group of motor dealerships:

We had a young apprentice motor mechanic who had a reputation for being a bit of a smartie. One day he announced loudly that he could do anything, nothing was beyond his abilities.

The service manager, overhearing this comment, marched boldly up to him and with a smirk on his face asked "Can you saw smoke in half?"

The kid replied as quick as a flash, "Yes, if you can put it in the vice for me first!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second one involves an apprentice panel beater who was a little on the 'slow' side. He and the tradesman in charge had spent a couple of hours fitting a new tail light assembly to the rear of a damaged vehicle. Largely with the tradesman performing the work and the apprentice observing.

The tradesman completed the fitting and asked the apprentice to now go and turn on the lights. To everyone's absolute amazement, the apprentice strolled away from the car, over to the wall and switched on the lights in the workshop!!!

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Jim Hillier
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August 11, 2011 - 10:44 pm
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My young grandson was visiting the other day and, out of the blue, he asked me how old I was. I told him 65.

He was very quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at one?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to my computer this day only to find my little granddaughter pounding away on the keyboard.

"Now, what are you doing?", I asked her.

"I'm writing a story". she replied.

So I asked, "And what is this story about?"

She gave me one of those 'sheesh' looks and said, "I [i:1l0o6yfc]don't [/i:1l0o6yfc]know Grandpa, I can't read!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

His eyes lit up and he said, "Look in your underwear, Grandpa.......mine says I'm 4 to 6."

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Jim Hillier
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August 25, 2011 - 2:14 am
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she was seeing and turned to me and said, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

So I said,

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Jim Hillier
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August 26, 2011 - 8:48 pm
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Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life, better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life....
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in among the pussie willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD......[i:prgndm7i]DON'T SWING[/i:prgndm7i]!!!"

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FLBoy
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August 31, 2011 - 6:24 am
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Ozbloke: I enjoyed most all of your jokes.Keep em coming.

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Jim Hillier
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August 31, 2011 - 3:11 pm
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Thanks FLBoy....will try!!!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor informed the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful appearance!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "Don't be silly, I can assure you.....I get all the thanks I need every time I see your Mother kiss you on the cheek!!."

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Jim Hillier
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September 5, 2011 - 8:57 pm
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who is lying in a ditch -------> Phil

What do you call a deer with no eyes -------> No idea

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes -------> Still no idea

Have you read the new novel, it's called Pants Around the Ankles...by Lucy Lastic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A nun has the unusual trait of walking around in the nude whenever she is alone in her apartment at the convent.

One day there is a knock at the door and the nun, who is completely naked, shouts out..."Who is it?"

A voice comes back, "It's the blind man from the village".

The nun thinks, 'well no need to panic then, he can't see anything anyway'. So she goes and opens the door.

The man waltzes into the room and as he passes the nun says..."Oooh, nice breasts. Now, where would you like your blinds?"

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Mindblower
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September 7, 2011 - 7:11 pm
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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET..

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT..

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

"Light travels faster than sound;
That is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak"

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Jim Hillier
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September 7, 2011 - 7:18 pm
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LOL. Good one MB!!!

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Mindblower
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September 8, 2011 - 9:43 am
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four month

"Light travels faster than sound;
That is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak"

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Jim Hillier
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September 11, 2011 - 9:06 pm
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What follows are tales/recollections provided by an airport ticket agent in Canberra, Australia's capitol and home to our wonderful <tongue in cheek> politicians:

*A senior Senator called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

*A politician from Queensland called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola Florida on a commuter plane. He said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

*The Prime Minister called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' "Yes, what flights do you have?'' came the reply. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The PM said, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

*The PM's aide called and had a question about the documents she and her boss needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

*I just got off the phone with a Labor politician who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

And these people are running our country!! Help!!!!! LOL

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Mindblower
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September 14, 2011 - 11:11 am
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[b:3amjy4gc][size=150:3amjy4gc]Little Firefighter [/size:3amjy4gc][/b:3amjy4gc]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter

"Light travels faster than sound;
That is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak"

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Jim Hillier
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September 17, 2011 - 2:47 am
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies", He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females so far," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "It's easy...3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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