My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30am!!! Luckily for him I was still up practicing with my Bagpipes.
Two Aussies are out in a boat fishing when one of them hooks a very old lamp. He no sooner detaches the lamp from the fishing line when a genie pops out, "I'll grant you one wish" says the genie.
"Okay" says the Aussie, "then I wish all the water in this lake was beer".
Poof!! The lake was beer and the genie was gone.
The other Aussie turned to his mate and said, "Bruce you bl**dy idiot. [i:3ftjcnih]Now[/i:3ftjcnih] where are we going to pee!!!"
March 11, 2010
Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian, about 80 years old, lived alone in Phoenix. He
wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult
work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old.
His only son, Walter, who used to help him with such hard work, was in
prison in San Quentin penitentiary for an extended sentence.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to do all that digging for me, like
in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and
dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. Perplexed,
they finally apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
Today is the oldest you've ever been....yet, it is also the youngest you will ever be again!!
Paddy and Mick are out fishing on the lake in a hire boat. They have been all over the lake with no luck, when they drop anchor at yet another spot and immediately start catching heaps of fish.
Paddy turns to Mick and says, "I wish we could mark this spot somehow, so we can find it again another day".
Mick ponders this momentarily and then enthusiastically says, "I know Paddy. Why don't we put a great big X in the bottom of the boat".
Paddy gives his friend a frustrated look and says, "Mick, you are a freakin' idiot. How do we know we will get the same boat next time!!"
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese (*) - British writer, actor and tall person
My wife came to me the other day and asked if she could have $6000.00 for a boob job.
I said, "Why don't you just rub toilet paper between them?"
She gave me one of those quizzical looks and said, "Why, what's that going to do?"
I said, "Well it worked on your backside didn't it??"
I get out of hospital next Tuesday!!
We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are pretty, some are dull and some are sharp. There are many different shapes and colours. Yet they all live together, side by side, in the same box.
I was in London last year with my wife and we decided to visit Madam Tussaud's wax museum.
We were looking through the horror section when an official looking gentleman approached me and said, "Excuse me Sir, do you think you could ask your wife to keep moving around?"
I said, "Why, how will that help?"
He said, "We're stocktaking!"
We were so poor....we used to go to KFC and lick other people's fingers!!
Do you remember these? They are pretty old and, man I'm definitely showing my age. They are not that funny but they are cute and a bit of fun for the kids:
1 1 was a race horse. 2 2 was 1 2. 1 1 1 1 race. 2 2 1 1 2. [One One was a race horse. Two Two was one too. One One won one race. Two Two won one too.]
2 Y's U R. 2 Y's U B. I C U R 2 Y's 4 me. [Too wise you are. Too wise you be. I see you are too wise for me.]
Finally, a few famous quotes for all those who play and enjoy golf....a sport I never mastered!!
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
Always swing hard.....just in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus [so true!!]
Have a great Easter everyone!!
George, an elderly man, was going to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but immediately saw that there were actually thieves ransacking his shed.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
George replied "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at Goerge's residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George responded, "I thought [i:2i5gdvts]you [/i:2i5gdvts]said there was nobody available!"
[u:zjc19ver]THE MUM TEST[/u:zjc19ver]
A mother was out walking with her 4-year-old daughter. The toddler picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
Mum took the item away from her and told her she should not do that.
"Why?" asked the little girl.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' replied the Mum.
At this point, the daughter looked at her Mum with total admiration and asked, "Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
After a few moments and some quick thinking Mum replied, "All mums know this stuff. It's in the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum."
They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the toddler was obviously pondering this new information.
"Oh....I get it!" she finally beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Dad."
"Exactly!!", replied Mum with a big smile on her face.
September 2, 2010
I've been reading this thread ever since Jim started it, thanks to everyone for all the smiles, giggles and laughs.
I don't consider myself as being particularly good at telling jokes, but, since Jim has either run out of jokes (hasn't posted one for three days now!) or is preparing for a big come back, here's one from me, hope you like it.
ALWAYS READ THE P.S.
The husband is on a transatlantic business trip. One day, the wife sends him a letter:
I am human
August 11, 2011
OK...here's one for ya:
A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Round about noon one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"
The other deacon agrees and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and think to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
September 2, 2010
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