Screw you, Google! I’m sick and tired of your strong-arm tactics to suck money out of us. Not only have you demonetised my YouTube channel and accused me of plagiarism as if I’m a common thief and scoundrel, but now you don’t want me sending email because your measly allowance of 15 free gigabytes is, according to you, almost full. Is the glass half empty or half full? From my perspective, my paltry storage allowance is only three-quarters full, so that’s a long way from being almost full. Or let’s just say that it’s a quarter empty, which still isn’t anywhere near full.
Your intimidating messages don’t fool me, no siree! But it will scare the hell out of millions of other Gmail users who are maybe not as savvy as those of us lucky enough to work in the tech industry. Imagine granny who relies on Gmail to keep in touch with her friends and family and she receives an intimidating email such as this one. She’s going to start climbing up the walls, hitting the panic button, calling her family, and asking them what she should do for heaven’s sake! That’s what will happen and all because your heartless and synthetic android algorithm has been programmed to nuke us all the second we hit your so-called almost-full brick wall.
Google, I’m getting weary of your penny pinching and arbitrary tactics, designed to get us all to kneel before the altar of your mega-corporation billions. To intimidate your customers in such an aggressive manner — because yes, we are your customers, believe it or not — is tantamount to blackmail no less. It’s like Billy The Kid saying ‘Hand over all your money or you don’t make it to the bar!’ Google, you are outrageous, not only in your gluttony for more billions, but by assuming the role of arbiter of good taste, whatever the hell that is, but also your presumption of judge and very probably, a hanging jury. What’s the matter with you?
But I have a cunning plan, to quote the loveable Baldrick, because, Señor Google, you’re not the only player in the park, not by a long shot.
Long, long ago, when the land was lush and green, where pixies and fairies leapt through the sun-dappled foliage, a sprinkling of pixie dust fell all ’round me and a wise wizard appeared in my midst, whereupon he summoned me to make haste to the land of OneDrive where I would languish in golden fields of terabytes. And it came to pass that I heeded the sage’s words, gathered up my gifs, my jpegs, my MP4s, packed them all into my knapsack, beckoned all my furry friends to join me and we danced merrily towards the golden light, singing all the while to that famous ditty, “Google, eat my crumbs.”