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Joke of the day!!
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John_Betong
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November 3, 2011 - 8:15 pm
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[b:pyqlputh][size=150:pyqlputh]I was sat at the traffic lights[/size:pyqlputh][/b:pyqlputh]

...minding my own business, waiting for them to turn green.

A carload of young, loud bl@@dy foreigners shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me.

The light changed, the bl@@dy foreigners shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today...bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

http://johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/ ... tober.html

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John_Betong
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November 3, 2011 - 8:18 pm
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[b:6lh4davf][size=150:6lh4davf]The Great Outdoors[/size:6lh4davf][/b:6lh4davf]

I usually take something with me

on hikes to avoid bear attacks:

usually pepper spray or a slow uncle.

http://johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/ ... tober.html

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Jim Hillier
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November 11, 2011 - 1:09 pm
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Wife says to husband, "You only ever want to have s*x when you're drunk."

Husband says, "That's not true.................sometimes I want a kebab!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Center in Liverpool.

The locals are said to be in a state of absolute shock..................they had no idea there was a Job Center!!!

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John_Betong
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November 11, 2011 - 7:42 pm
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.
.
[b:31xitje5][size=150:31xitje5]This will surprise my wife[/size:31xitje5][/b:31xitje5]

She th

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Jim Hillier
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November 18, 2011 - 7:36 pm
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[u:25kole6t]Forgetter Be Forgotten[/u:25kole6t]?

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally... me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

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Jim Hillier
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November 21, 2011 - 3:48 pm
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

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Jim Hillier
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November 24, 2011 - 6:49 pm
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EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! - OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

[u:1m6lddia]DAY ONE[/u:1m6lddia]

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts..

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while ranting -
Open forum

[u:1m6lddia]DAY TWO[/u:1m6lddia]

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

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Jim Hillier
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November 29, 2011 - 9:07 pm
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you make this happen?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing...'

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Jim Hillier
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December 4, 2011 - 2:57 pm
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman."

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Jim Hillier
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December 6, 2011 - 11:44 pm
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A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain... "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"

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John_Betong
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December 7, 2011 - 6:05 am
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[b:ngijmaup]The angry wife[/b:ngijmaup]

...was on the telephone to her husband and says "Where the hell are you ..."?

Henpecked husband replies "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money at that time and I said 'My dearest it'll be yours one day..."

Wife blushed and with a big smile and says "Yes I remember that my love"!

Husband "I'm in the pub next door with my mates..."

[url:ngijmaup]http://johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2011/December.html[/url:ngijmaup]

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Mike Conroy
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December 20, 2011 - 6:48 pm
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REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…..

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!   Yell

https://davescomputertips.com/signatures/DCT-2-234x30.jpg

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Jim Hillier
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December 21, 2011 - 4:23 pm
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Hey Mike - If a big fat man grabs you and shoves you into a bag - don't panic.

 

I ordered a new friend for Christmas!!

santa-and-reindeer.gif

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Jim Hillier
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December 28, 2011 - 8:26 pm
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 79 and 80 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my friggin' fault!"

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BallyIrish
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January 28, 2014 - 5:04 am
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Once, in times long past, I had the fastest racehorse in Ireland. It could have won every race it ran in by about ten lengths. No, honest! But for some reason, every time it got to the finishing line, it veered off course to the left and another horse took the trophy.

In desperation I took my beloved stallion to a Vet and told him the sad story.

"Oh, yes!" said the vet, after a lengthy examination. "I am totally familiar with this problem. It's an old problem. It melts down to a question of balance."

"Balance?" said I. "How then do I fix it?"

"Why, you put a lump of lead in his right ear." said the Vet.

"That's incredulous!" I said with amazement. "But how do I do that?"

"The Vet's reply was brief and to the point: "With a gun."

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