Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. So I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week!!!
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was standing there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike, the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $1,695,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...
'Have you tried doing all that with the engine running?'
Picture a slice of pizza is in a stomach, waiting to be digested.
Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.
The pizza lets it pass in front of him.
A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.
A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there?"
"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.
"Really"? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look".
[url:2ju4vrck]http://johns-jokes.com/all-the-jokes.html[/url:2ju4vrck]
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops, and prays that a sales person
was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well !
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He
politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing and uncomfortable, but still
hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, ' Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!'
"For the needy, not the greedy"
I was at an Indian restaurant the other night and ordered the curried pelican.
The meal was very nice but the bill was bl**dy enormous!!
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The wife has been missing a whole week now. A police officer told me to prepare for the worst!
So now I've got to go to the charity shop and try to get all her clothes back.
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says,
Update on Bin Laden
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.
It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.
[color=#0000FF:3jch2pd9]http://johns-jokes.com/Update-on-Bin-Laden-truth-now-revealed.html[/color:3jch2pd9]
"The Italian's Honeymoon via Train."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car...'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina in disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ...'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to do 'badaboom badaboom' and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...
'Nofolka Virginia !
Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
"For the needy, not the greedy"
The Department of Labor claimed a small soybean farmer was not paying proper wages to his help, and so sent an agent out to investigate ..
Department of Labor employee : "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
Department of Labor employee : "That's the guy I want to talk, to the mentally challenged one."
Farmer : "That would be me!"
Lorrie and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father!'
One of life's little mysteries:
I wonder why pleasing everyone is nigh on impossible BUT - pissing everyone off if is an absolute piece of cake!
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Just received an update on my Windows PC telling me there are no new updates??
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Winning advice from "Ask Emma":
Q: Twice I've walked in on my husband masturbating in the bathroom, what should I do?
A: Knock!
[size=150:25z8puu3][b:25z8puu3]REPLACEMENT WINDOWS [/b:25z8puu3][/size:25z8puu3]
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,
Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
"For the needy, not the greedy"
I was at a wedding recently, when someone suddenly yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"...
The bartender was near crushed to death!!
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Just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me I can have s*x at 65.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 63....so it's right next door!!
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