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John Cleese: Countries’ Responses To Imminent Threats

I would love to take credit for this brilliant piece of satire but it was actually written by British funnyman John Cleese — circa 2011.


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese ~ British writer, actor, and tall person

7 thoughts on “John Cleese: Countries’ Responses To Imminent Threats”

    1. Hey JD,

      I forget where I picked this up from now, it was many years ago, but I do remember that the source was attributed to John Cleese.

      No matter, as you say, it’s still very clever.

    1. Hey Reg,

      I apologise unreservedly for your missing comments. Your comments were not banned. Unfortunately, we experienced issues with our commenting system whereby quite a few comments went missing… including yours, apparently.

      We do not ban comments on DCT, the only exceptions are comments which are rude, abusive, or offensive.

      The issue with the commenting system has now been rectified so if you would like to resubmit your missing comments I can assure you they will now go through.

      Again, I cannot apologise enough. Please reconsider your position, you are a long time and valued DCT follower and we do not want to lose your support.

      1. Thanks Jim – appreciate the situation and mistakenly thought it was my views that were unwelcome ! Thanks again for explaining not the case – Reg

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