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[color=#0000FF:674id3c5][size=150:674id3c5]OK, someone has got to be funnier than Ozbloke! Someone (anyone) PLEASE post a joke so we can dash Jim's future plans of becoming a comedian! ~ Dave[/size:674id3c5][/color:674id3c5]
My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
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An Irish businessman is traveling on a small 4-engine plane, flying home to Dublin. Shortly after takeoff the pilot comes over the intercom and announces.."We are having problems with number one engine so we have shut it down. There is no need for any anxiety, we still have 3 engines left and it just means we will be arriving half an hour late."
About ten minutes later the pilot comes back on the intercom and announces..."Sorry to report that number two engine has also failed, we still have two engines fully operational and we will now be arriving 90 minutes late."
Another half hour passes and the pilot again comes on the intercom..."Well this is embarrassing, number 3 engine is now also not working so we will arrive at our destination 3 hours late."
The Irishman turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says.."Jaysus, I hope the fourth engine doesn't go......we'll be up here all bl**dy night!!"
Boom Boom!!
BTW: Happy St. Patrick's Day to all our Irish friends. I'll be drinking green beer at bowls today!!!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!
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Last Christmas my wife gave me a new iPad. We gave the two boys an iPhone each and the two daughters an iPod each.
I gave my wife a lovely new iRon.........it was about that time the fight started!!
I pointed out to her that the iRon would easily integrate into the home network (incorporating the iWash, iCook and iClean) which is essential to activate the iNag reminder service......she was not impressed. Perhaps the technicalities were all a bit much for her.
Apparently she hasn't been feeling too well ever since......is it possible to have a headache for 3 months??
A mate of mine recently admitted he is addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
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Two men are sitting in a bar talking about Wales and all things Welsh. A drunk sitting nearby overhears their conversation and shouts across to them..."Only two good things ever came out of Wales, rugby players and whores".
One of the men rises off his bar stool, he is 6' 4", weighs over 200lb and is built like a steamroller. He walks over to the drunk and hovers menacingly over him..."My wife comes from Wales" he says.
"Is that right" says the drunk man, "what position does she play?"
Boom Boom!!
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train........he was chuffed to bits!!
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A young preacher is about to deliver his very first sermon under the watchful eye of his mentor. They have decided it will be based on the 10 commandments.
He starts off beautifully, telling the congregation how someone has stolen his bicycle. He is in full flow, praising the virtues of honesty while denouncing the evils of thievery. Then, all of a sudden, he changes the subject completely and goes off on an entirely different tack.
After everyone has left the church, the older man approaches the young preacher and says.."What happened, I thought you were going to stick with the 10 commandments?"
The young preacher says..."Yes, I was. But when I got the part about thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I had left my bicycle!!"
Boom Boom!!
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "You'd better just choose one!!"
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So, I was sitting out on the veranda yesterday with the lovely wife and I said, "I love you".
The wife looks at me and says, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied with a smile, "It's me......................talking to the beer"
Ouch!! [attachment=0:2chp1oy7]lecture111.gif[/attachment:2chp1oy7]
When I was 16 my parents knew absolutely nothing. Now I've turned 21 and I can't believe how much they learned in that 5 years!!
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Two hillbilly brothers called Davo and Jimbob operate a small business hiring out canoes for an hourly rate at a local lake. It's Davo's job to collect the money while Jimbob keeps an eye on the boats and monitors the times.
It's a fine sunny day and business is booming when Jimbob grabs a nearby megaphone and bellows, "Number 99....your time is up!!"
Davo looks over and says, "Jimbob, we've only got 80 boats"
Jimbob shoots Davo a look, puts the megaphone to his mouth again and bellows, "Number 66....are you in trouble?"
[attachment=0:6jqxzjj2]upside_down 66.jpg[/attachment:6jqxzjj2]
[quote="ozbloke":1u092461]When I was 16 my parents knew absolutely nothing. Now I've turned 21 and I can't believe how much they learned in that 5 years!!
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Two hillbilly brothers called Davo and Jimbob operate a small business hiring out canoes for an hourly rate at a local lake. It's Davo's job to collect the money while Jimbob keeps an eye on the boats and monitors the times.
It's a fine sunny day and business is booming when Jimbob grabs a nearby megaphone and bellows, "Number 99....your time is up!!"
Davo looks over and says, "Jimbob, we've only got 80 boats"
Jimbob shoots Davo a look, puts the megaphone to his mouth again and bellows, "Number 66....are you in trouble?"
[attachment=0:1u092461]upside_down 66.jpg[/attachment:1u092461][/quote:1u092461]
ok, that one made me laugh.
quantity over quality, eh?
Aha!!!!
OK, now you're starting to get it Zig. This is a public, family safe forum; ergo the jokes must not include any profanities nor any obvious sexual references. They cannot be perceived as overtly racist, discriminatory or bigoted in any way. In fact, anything which might even remotely cause any offense is precluded.
And we are talking one a day......it ain't easy Zig!!
Remember too: jokes, much like movies, are extremely subjective.......one man's meat is another mans' poison and all that.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house...................he got the outside.
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Two buddies are on a hunting trip together . They are walking through fields, up and down hills when one of them suddenly clasps at his chest and collapses, he doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man is panic stricken, he whips out his cell phone and rings the emergency number.
He breathlessly explains the situation to the operator who then says, "OK, try to calm down sir. I can help. First, let's make sure he is dead."
There is complete silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the man says...."OK, now what?"
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